A Hat, A Gauntlet
by arandomshipper
Summary: Andrew comes to Luna Nova to give Akko her hat back. Hilarity ensues. One-sided Everyone/Akko. Crack.


Disclaimer: I'm not an owner, I'm just a random shipper.

 **A Hat, A Gauntlet**

Andrew Hanbridge stepped out of the vehicle and onto enemy territory. He didn't really think of Luna Nova that way anymore, but considering his intentions in coming here, he was still experiencing an unusual amount of nervousness. Add in the fact that he had no excuse for being on campus other than the flimsy one offered by the item clutched tightly in his hands, and he was very glad, for once, that his upbringing caused him to automatically suppress his inner turmoil and present a facade of calm. He marched toward his destination with the feigned assurdness offered the Hanbridge name, hoping that he could complete his plan without any unfortunate encounters.

His hopes were dashed almost immediately, as he came face to half a face with one of the people he least wanted to see. Sucy Manbavaran's single eye took in his presence, his appearance, the item he held, the situation, and even seemed to stare down into his very soul, with one glance. Slowly, her lips spread outward, revealing her teeth in a sadistic caricature of a grin.

"Andrew Hanbridge. What brings you to this prestigious _all-girls_ school on this fine day?"

She knew. He knew she knew. She knew he knew she knew. She just wanted to see him squirm. A casual tug at his collar was the only outward sign of Andrew's internal sweating. "Through various circumstances, I have come into possession of Miss Kagari's hat. I'm here to return it to her."

"Oh, how nice of you!" To Andrew's relief, they were joined by another witch, one much more pleasant to deal with. Lotte Yanson. A kinder, more considerate soul would be difficult to find. She could be his buffer against the evil that was Sucy.

"But you know," Lotte continued. "Returning a lost item isn't really enough reason to be here. Males aren't allowed on campus without express permission from the Headmaster. You should've found another way of returning it."

Ah, yes. Lotte was much more the rule-follower than either of her teammates. He had forgotten that. "Truthfully, I would've preferred to return it at a neutral location, but I don't have Miss Kagari's contact information, and simply carrying the hat around in the hope that I should happen to see her would be inefficient."

"Yes, but you could just send it in the mail or give it to someone else to pass on to her or any number of other things."

"I would prefer to give it back with my own two hands." Andrew said firmly. "Miss Kagari has done so much for the world. The least I can do is make sure her hat is safely returned to her personally."

Lotte smiled dreamily. "Yes, Akko really is amazing isn't she? But really, you could just-"

She was cut off as Sucy grabbed her arm and pulled her aside. Andrew watched her whisper in Lotte's ear with concern. He saw Lotte's face go from normal, to worried, to horrified. "WHAT?!" She shrieked.

The outburst drew the attention of yet another of the people Andrew really didn't want to see in this particular situation. Diana quickly approached the trio. "Andrew." She inclined her head politely, her disapproval of his existence evident despite the courtesy.

"Diana." He replied in kind.

"Trespassing and disrupting students is a new hobby for you."

He bristled. "I have legitimate business here!"

"Do tell." She said coolly.

"I have come to return Miss Kagari's hat!"

"I see. Well, you have found Akko's teammates. Just give it to them and let them pass it on."

"I will return it by my own hand!"

"He wants to use it as an opportunity to ask her out!" Lotte burst out.

There was absolute silence. Andrew turned red, and Diana turned white, but nobody moved and nobody spoke. Sucy slowly slapped her hand over her eye. "Lotte," She said wearily. "You weren't supposed to yell it out like that."

"Andrew!" Diana said, her voice suddenly more high-pitched than normal. "I think, after all, it would be best if you give the hat to me-"

"What's this I hear about someone going to ask Akko out?" A boisterous presence suddenly made itself known. Amanda, always quick on the uptake, quickly took in the situation. "Ah, I see. I'll just be taking that, then!" She snatched the hat from Andrew and was off like a shot before anyone could twitch.

"Amanda! Get back here! No running in the halls!" Diana shouted, running as fast as she was capable after the nimble delinquent, Andrew hot on her heels.

Lotte began to chase as well, but gave up after a few steps, realizing her top speed gave her no chance of keeping up. She stared after the disappearing competitors forlornly. Sucy put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder.

"What do I do now?" Lotte asked brokenly.

Sucy thought about it. "Hmmm. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to find better seats for the show.

 **HXAXHXAXHXA**

If Amanda was confident in one thing, it was her ability to run away. Running away is all about raw speed and and athleticism, and improvisation. Those were the two areas where she excelled even above Diana. It was not a matter of if she lost her pursuers or not, only when.

But overconfidence can erase even the greatest of advantages. In glancing back to taunt Diana and Andrew, she failed to see Ursula-sensei coming around the corner, and-

Whomp! Oof! "Amanda! What is going on here?" Ursula straightened her glasses, picking herself up off the ground.

"Sorry, Sensei, no time to talk!" Amanda tried to make a hasty exit, but found herself unable to move.

"You're not going anywhere until you explain yourself, young lady!" The recent events had completely transformed Ursula from a shrinking violet into a confident, authoritative teacher. A change that was highly inconvenient at this particular moment. Her looming figure was made all the more intimidating by the glowing wand in her hand, holding Amanda in place.

"Diana? Andrew?" Ursula said in surprise when the two caught up, eyeing her in consternation. "Why are you chasing Amanda? Someone explain what's going on!"

There was much confusion as all three tried to talk over each other and none of them actually wanted to state outright what they were actually fighting over, but eventually Ursula was able to read between the lines and figure out what was going on.

"Enough!" She halted the shouting match with a single word. "I'm ashamed of you all! Whatever your intentions toward Akko, the number one priority should be to get her property back to her! Clearly, none of you are qualified to do so. It's very sad, but it seems I must step in as a teacher and do what none of you, her supposed friends, are able to do. Amanda. Give me the hat." She held out a hand imperiously. Amanda reluctantly handed over the hat. "Good. Now, I'm sure you all have much more important things to do than to worry about your silly little schoolgirl crushes. I suggest you get to them. Hop hop."

When the three were out of sight, Ursula squealed and clutched the hat to her chest. "Oh, Akko!" She said in a singsong voice, skipping along. "I have something for you!"

But she turned the next corner to find that the three had not gone their way, as she had assumed. They had circled around to ambush her from the other side, and were well within hearing range of her girlish squeal. She paused mid-skip, the trio staring at her accusingly. "Um. This is. Um. You see...goodbye!"

"Get her!" Amanda yelled, and the chase was on again.

Ursula displayed surprising agility for her age, staying ahead of the teenagers, but she was unable to gain any distance. Thinking quickly, she sprayed the ground behind her with an ice spell, laughing as the three tripped and slid around, unable to maintain pursuit. However, her moment of gloating was costly. The hat was snatched from her before she even registered the approach of the robot flying in from the side. It brought the hat up to the top of a building from which Constanze watched the action, a remote control in her hand, and dropped it next to her.

Contanze picked up the hat and saluted Ursula with a satisfied smirk, only to recoil in fear at the sight of Ursula running up the side of the building, a spell creating the necessary friction for her feet. Constanze jumped on her broom to make for the relative safely of the air, knowing that Ursula could not follow her. Amanda, however, could. A barrel roll just barely protected the hat from Amanda's greedy grasp, but it was a temporary reprieve, as Diana followed up with an attempt of her own. Evading Diana as well put her directly in line of a blast of magic from Ursula, knocking the hat from her hands. It fluttered down to land in the hands of Andrew, who held it up triumphantly for a moment...until he glanced around and saw four angry, powerful witches bearing down on him.

 **HXAXHXAXHXA**

Lotte and Sucy watched the chaos unfolding on the poor school campus from a shared broom high above the action. As more people heard about what was going on, more competitors were added to the mix, and the chaos just kept getting more and more out of hand, to Sucy's delight and Lotte's concern.

"We've got to do something to stop this, Sucy! Everyone's going crazy down there!"

"Yeah. Akko sure is popular, huh? Who knew?" Sucy snickered.

"Well, of course she is! Akko is kind and thoughtful and caring and determined and-"

"Yeah, yeah. You've told me all this before. Every day." Sucy said dismissively.

Lotte was oblivious to the annoyance in her tone. "But no matter how great Akko is, it doesn't justify this. Someone's going to get hurt eventually, and that won't make Akko happy. What is everyone thinking?"

"You're telling me. As far as I'm concerned, everyone got a colletive case of the stupids. It's not like Akko's just going to blindly agree to date whoever gives her her hat back anyway."

"You're right. No one is thinking clearly. It's up to me. I have to stop this."

"Are you sure? Can't we just keep watching from up here? It seems like more fun. And safer."

"No. We have to think of Akko's feelings. If someone got hurt fighting over her, she'd be very sad. I'm going to stop them. Will you help me?"

"Fine." Sucy agreed reluctantly. "What do you need from me?"

 **HXAXHXAXHXA**

The massive brawl was halted by the sudden appearance of a 50 foot tall Lotte yelling in a giant voice, "Everyone, stop right now!" Immediately, she had everyone's attention, which ordinarily would've caused her much nervousness and embarrassment, but she was so angry at the moment that none of that mattered to her.

"Akko would be ashamed of you right now! You're all her precious friends! Can you imagine if one of you were to really hurt another? How do you think she'd feel? You all think you're doing this for her, but you're not thinking about her feelings at all! This fight is pointless!"

"So, what's the solution, then? Are you saying we should all just give up and let you have the hat?" Amanda sneered skeptically.

"No!" A wave of her wand, and the 50 foot hologram of Lotte faded from sight. Sucy also waved her wand, dispelling the augmented voice. "I'm saying we can talk this out like reasonable people. We give each person a chance make their case and explain why they should be allowed to give Akko her hat back. Then each person gets one vote on who should be allowed to do it, but you can't vote for yourself. Does that sound like a good plan?"

There was some grumbling. A few of the people involved really didn't like the chances using that system. Lotte drove home her point. "Or we can keep brawling it out like mindless apes, and eventually the most powerful one will win. Is that what you all want? Raise your hand if that's what you want."

Every eye turned to look at Ursula. She slowly put her hand down. "I was, ahem, just stretching. Just stretching."

 **HXAXHXAXHXA**

"And that's why I should be allowed to give the hat back to Akko." Barbara concluded.

"Thank you, Barbara." Lotte said, having become the impromptu debate monitor. "Who would like to go next?"

Constanze stood and walked to the front of the room. She grabbed the chalk and began making a series of complex diagrams and mathematical formulas. When she was done, she turned to the group and pointed with the chalk to her incomprehensible conclusion with triumph, having proven her point undeniably.

"Um, Constanze? I'm not sure that makes any sense..." Lotte said hesitantly. Constanze frowned irritably and pointed more insistently at the board. "No, Constanze, I still don't-" Constanze jumped up and down, steam coming off of her head. "Ohh, now I get it! That's an excellent point, Constanze!" She gave a mollified smile and resumed her seat.

"Okay, who's next?" Lotte was very surprised at the next person to take the stage. "Sucy?"

Sucy slowly turned to face the audience. "I just have one thing to say." She slipped on a gas mask, pulled a mushroom out of her robe, and dropped it, filling the room with a cloud of green gas. One by one, everyone slumped over, asleep. Sucy casually picked up the hat and walked out of the room, leaving behind her a whispered, "Suckers."

 **HXAXHXAXHXA**

"Akko? Are you in here?"

Sucy entered the dorm. There was Akko, asleep at her desk, drooling all over the textbook beneath her head, a huge snot bubble coming from her nose. Sucy grimaced.

She sat next to her friend and poked her cheek. "What's so great about you, anyway?" Akko's only response was to snore even more loudly. With a long sigh, Sucy popped the snot bubble, place the hat over Akko's face, and patted her back. With a rare genuine tender smile as she left the room, she whispered, "Sleep tight, Akko."


End file.
